Over the past week or so politics has suddenly become interesting and much talked about. Inspired by seeing an episode of Murder She Wrote in which Jessica Fletcher goes into the Cabot Cove computer store and lingers in front of a copy of ‘DOS for Dummies’, I have decided to help ensure that those who haven’t been following the news get a chance to catch up. I have, therefore written a quick summary so that, in just five minutes, you can be up to speed on everything and not feel left out, or look foolish, in conversations with your fellow liberal elite members. Apologies if I am not 100% accurate all the way through, but I have been a bit busy too.
In 2008 largely because no governments dared to restrain them, bankers caused a massive crash which left economies around the world struggling. The British Prime Minister of the time and his chancellor (Brown and Darling) intervened to ensure that the country maintained growth and gently reduced spending to bring about a recovery. In a far more important matter Brown called a bigoted woman ‘a bigoted woman’ and lost his credibility. The new conservative leader, David Cameron, saw that Brown and Darling had averted crisis and did not like it one bit. He immediately and publicly vowed to create a Broken Britain. Using Brown’s catastrophic policy of not turning his microphone off in the car against him, and backed by his heavy weight supporters (Michael Caine and Coldplay) he toured the country vowing to break it by making an imaginary number smaller, which he claimed would delight our grandchildren when they learnt about it, and protecting the NHS from the excess of money which was piled up in operating theatres getting in the way of surgeons etc(while showing his sincerity by winking every time he said it). The electorate agreed that Britain needed breaking and voted him into Downing Street (although he had to take in some lodgers to pay the rent). Initially it was thought that the lodgers would stop him breaking Britain, but in the event they just held his coat while he got on with it.
The main tool Cameron planned to use was the referendum. This was a process in which people volunteered to be broken, assuming they were voting to break other people. His first attempt, asking Scotland if it wanted to be poor and isolated, failed and he took out his frustration on the poor and disabled, somehow framing the banking failure as their fault. Britain was instantly broken in two parts, the skivers and the strivers. Interestingly though almost all of the skivers thought they were strivers and acted as cheerleaders for the attempts of Cameron and Duncan Smith to punch them in the faces. There was even a TV debate in which a skiver shouted ‘Go on punch the skivers in the face!’ at which point Cameron punched her in the face and she was horrified. Still not satisfied that Britain was broken enough Cameron drained money from the NHS, education and Social care while freezing all wages. In a final attempt to destroy Britain totally, he arranged another referendum, one which would not be binding but which would give him an idea of how people were thinking. The wording of the referendum was something like, ‘Do you want yourselves and your children to be really poor and the laughing stock of the world?’. He knew if he lost the referendum then the country would be destroyed, but having it was his best hope to hold on to power. Egged on by Cameron’s rivals Mr Blobby and Govlum (who both really planned to heroically lose the referendum and become leader) the people narrowly voted yes. At this point, with Britain broken and divided, Cameron, his mission complete and with a song in his heart, left power, like his predecessor Brown, by leaving his microphone on.
Meanwhile the heavyweights of his party including Blobby and Govlum, slugged it out in the style of boxers paid to take a dive all collapsing to the canvas together. Meanwhile the illegitimate offspring of Cruella DeVille and Imhotep rose from the ruins to claim leadership unopposed and, sucking out the life spirit of her rivals, take on the mantle of breaker of Britain. She was in a position to utterly destroy Britain by enacting the referendum result as if it was binding and thus fulfil Cameron’s legacy. With the full army of Mordor behind her and her ring of power ably wielded by the press she had the world at her feet, except for a small corner called the Corbinshire. Determined to be the one PM who ruled them all she took on the humble harmless and divided hobbits who lived there with her army of Orcs. All that stood between her and total victory was a rag tag band of elves and dwarves, led by a single bearded figure leaning on a staff barring her way on the bridge crying ‘You shall not pass!’ She looked down at the hooded figure and,with the full force if the Mail and the Sun behind her, she struck him down. To her and everyone else’s surprise (with the possible exception of Michael Rosen) powered by an army of children, he rose up more powerful than she could possibly imagine.
And now Mayhotep sits in her bunker, her regime in tatters, wondering whether to get her husband to put her out with the bins or to swear allegiance to a band of Morlocks to hold on to power.
Meanwhile, we hobbits are left to await the final outcome so that we can begin to clear out the evil from our constituencies and town halls ready for a new and optimistic vision to flow across the country and plant the strong and stable oaks that will guarantee our country a genuinely strong and stable future.
Ten strange years then and exactly as I remember them. But it will be up to the youngsters to decide what happens next. By the next election whether it is months or years away, more of them will have turned 18 and more of us oldies will have shuffled off this mortal coil. I hope they will be in a forgiving mood after all the messes we have created for them.
However you spin it the moral of the story is that sometimes the young people surprise us in a good way! See also:
‘When William Came’ by Saki